I have been staying in Australia for more than 7 years now, and I regard myself half a fellow Australian citizen. But, to my utter surprise, this is the first time I went on a solo trip to Sydney. And throughout that 7 days, I realized there are so much more to explore in the country that I myself thought I was familiar with, and even more if I step out of my comfort zone.
All I remembered was that I took one last deep breath, tilted my head and squinted as if I was too afraid to look at my phone, and pressed ‘Confirm”. That’s it, that’s all it takes for me to go and look for something (or someone) that might never have been destined to work out. You might think, well, you are ONLY going to Sydney, not halfway across the world, what’s there to write about? This is not about how far I really go, it is about walking out of my usual routine, my own comfort zone, to just try.
Packing is never easy for me, I usually procrastinate until the very last moment to pack my luggage. What do I have to bring to make me look nicer? A shirt? Maybe a striped one just to make me look a bit laid-back (Note to self: never wear stripes with grey pants.) I’m going to meet the girl that I really like, not for a job interview, just in case you are wondering. After spending around 2 hours just to pack for a supposedly 3 days trip, I knew I was on my way to go for my one last shot.
I am always a serious person. Sometimes I think I treat people and things a bit too seriously. Give before you take. Thinking you will get what you put forward. That’s what makes people think you are boring and bland- “You are too sensitive.”, “Your seriousness scares me”, “I’m just not that into you”, these few sentences are probably my best friends for my recent failed relationships. And then, you go into what I call the “Doubt and Pout” phase. I doubted myself, will I ever be good enough? How come I never end up with the one I really treasured and loved? That’s the reason why I stayed for four more days in my Sydney trip, I was doubting myself, I needed some time alone.
I am not here to say how my “shot” failed and how it didn’t work out, I am kind of glad that I chose to go to Sydney and know more about this part of me that I never really accepted. On Day 4, I was shattered. When I say shattered, I really meant that my heart was just torn up to a thousand pieces. I couldn’t sleep. All I thought about was her, what I could have done, what I shouldn’t have done. Although I made the decision to stay for one more day, I spent most of time in bed. People might probably read this and say, “Please man up”, or “Just deal with it, this is life.” Yeah, I agree. Life is never the way we planned, the things we desire the most are the things we cannot get, after all, we are just humans. But I realized, I must learn to be vulnerable in order to be strong, I have to embrace that broken part of myself in order for me to heal.
I walked out of my apartment on Day 4. The air was cold, winter was still there. The cold wind thrust against me like tiny little knives, wearing only a blazer, I was actually enjoying the cold. The wharf in Circular Quay was packed with people, like sardines swimming in the ocean, and all I was aware of, was nothing other than how to win her back. With ten thousand other things on my mind, I randomly picked out a destination, “Manly”, yes this is where I wanted to go (no pun intended). Stepping on the ferry with ten dozen people, made me feel more alone than ever. Sitting outside, I looked across the harbour and the Opera House, that view was mesmerizing, I whispered to myself, “I wish you were here.” Two weeks has passed and now, looking back on that day, I simply did not accept that fact that the whole thing just didn’t work out. I was still in the dream. And you have always been my harbour.
Ending something is never easy, nor is having to accept the fact that it has to end. You can be the toughest person among your friends, but at the end of the day, you will still feel that cut that sliced you in half. There is a finding known as the “White Bear Phenomenon” saying that you just cannot stop thinking about the “White Bear” within 30 seconds after you have heard it. And that’s true, you cannot force yourself to stop thinking or wanting something, you just have to embrace it.
And you are still my White Bear.