Recent Thoughts

It’s a cold Saturday night, and I am right here in Australia, trying to pack up my things and get ready to go back to Hong Kong for good. I have been through a lot lately, and to be honest, I’m a mess right now.

Those few days with you right here in Australia are stuck in my mind, the memories of you running through my house, your look when I disappointed you again and again, still haunts me. You are everywhere. And now whenever I go out to the balcony for my smoke break, I turn my head around, because if you were there, you would be sitting on my couch and calling me, and when I turn my head around you would always stare back at me.  Also, that doll that you kept snuggling with, is still filled with your scent; and ever since you left, I don’t have the courage to look at it again.

My mind keeps on looping all those memories we have together, good or bad. I’m so frustrated at myself. They always say that lies are the sharpest weapon, and I hurt you with that again and again. I broke our relationship with my lies. And I just don’t know how to express my guilt and love for you anymore, that’s because I have hurt you enough, and your decision to leave me for good, is probably the best way for you to gain happiness again. I just want you to know, from the beginning to the end of this relationship, although it consists of some hurtful lies, I do love you from the bottom of my heart. You are irreplaceable. You taught me a lot of things, you always urge me to pull myself together and go for whatever I want to do. If somebody ask me right now if I’m willing to get rid of saying those stupid lies anymore, I would definitely say yes I will change straight away- it’s because I’ve learnt my lesson. Losing someone I treasure and love so deeply makes me acknowledge that I can’t do that to anyone ever again in my life.

I have no right to ask you to stay and accept my apology, but I hope you know, I love you more than you can imagine.

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